Pressure

Lately , many many things have been going through my mind . In GEMs class , Oringa told us to think about what are the different stresses that we are dealing in our life right now . And i thought the stress i had were just financially and maybe abit of family stress thats all . But alot of things has indeed happened and im really really really at my wits end . I have no idea where to start solving anything at anywhere . I hate to admit it but im really STRESSED out . D: There's friends , family , work , school work , dance , financial and relationship . Everything is just so overwhelming . It's during me nuts . I dont even know what my aims are and it stresses me cause everyone around has high expectations of me . Yet , i dont even know what am i going to do after poly . I neither wished to work nor go to university . Im like stuck here at this point and cant move forward . And i cant even do a simply thing like helping J with his model . Instead of helping , im being more troulesome instead . Great , simply just great . Im on the verge of breaking down . And i cant talk to no one cause i tried before but they simply dont understand . "Yes im only 18 and still considered young . What do i have to stress about ?! You simply wont know .."

The Negativity

Something's amiss . And im feeling frustrated cause i don't know what . Im feeling so darn aimless recently . It's like , i have no clue about my next step . Don't even have the mood to study right now . Can't get anything in my head anyway . I just want to cope up in a corner and read . With reading , it calms me down . Makes me feel occupied .

As usual , was late for school today . Missed the first lesson and was late for the second one . But , somehow i didnt want to attend class . I cant stand sitting there and listen for today . So i skipped the second class as well and headed to the library . Sat at a corner and continued my book . Then Larissa saw me and invited me to join them for their game of life . LOL . They just wont get sick of it . I guess life's always easier in boardgames . Then headed to class with them too after the break . Somehow , i feel as if im a loner right now . No Zo and no SC to look after me anymore . And that bytch makes me feel like slapping her cause she's acting like i dont even exist . Won't even reply when im talking to her . B-I-T-C-H . That's what she is . And no its not Zee . ;D

I want to be strong . I want to be independent . I feel that everyone's drifting away from me and im scared . Real scared . Im too dependent on others and this won't do . I've gotta teach myself to stand by myself . Cause no matter how good a friend , he/she won't support you forever .

Blinded Love

They say love is blind , so what exactly does it mean ?

Aint if funny that before , when you like someone , you would think how wonderful he/she is . Yet after time passes and that fondness isnt there any longer you would start to ponder , exactly what do i see in him/her in the first place ?! It's strange isnt it . Before , his eyes were the most prettiest thing on earth . After , you wonder why his eyes are so weird that they're so separated from each other . LOL . Often many people would question themselves why had they fallen for that jerk/bitch . Many of us also love to 'promote' our bf/gfs when we're still together ; saying how he/she is so perfect or how he/she treats you so well . But after the break up , we will tend to diss our ex-es ; saying how he/she has so many bad habits or how he/she has such a terrible temper . How is it that one could say his/her ex is so bad and stuff when he/she himself/herself have so many flaws as well ? We often blame the other party about how badly they are as a bf/gf but yet , we dont reflect on how badly we are as a gf/bf . They say love is blind , and i truly understand why . Friends often ask "What exactly do you see in him ?" and i just want to say "Everything you don't ."

I love you J with carrots on top .

Going On In Life

I Hate You CWX . For pretending to not see me . In future when you come and find me/us , im not gonna care nor allow that . You disappointed me . Tsk tsk .

School has been a pain . And im hating myself cause i cant seemed to remember anything that i've learned . And i've also learned that im not going to care anymore . I'll just let the two of them be as selfish as they can be and i'll just play along . I don't need them seriously . Regardless how they may stick together now , they arent good friends at all . Tsk . They're just always together cause of academics . At least i have good friends whom i can really count on .

Enough of all these negativity ! On a happy note , he and i are going SFSG . He initiated to look for me while i was with my friends ! Thats a first . Which made me really happy (: And we're meeting twice this week despite our hectic schedules ! Im really looking forward to hugging him . I simply adore these hugs of his . It makes my heart have this tingling warm feeling . LOL .

Confused

Met J yesterday . Had a battle of feelings inside me when i saw him . For a moment , i forgot how to speak and what to call him . Watched iron man 2 and it was really nice . He held me in his arms again and it was bliss at that moment . And he said yes to my unreasonable request .. But somehow i cant seemed to know him anymore . Its just different . I dont know whether does he still held feelings for me or was it all an act . I dont like not being able to know whats on his mind . It sucks .

Im so confused right now . Its clear to me that im erased from his life or im just a friend to him now . Im cecilia in his contacts , under friends in his msn and now , im single on facebook . LOL . I really dont know what to feel . I wont shed any more tears but i wont be able to laugh wholeheartedly either -- at least not for now . I need a hug right now . I want a hug from my mom . Cause at least i know that she truly loves me ..

Qin says to follow my intuition . But the thing is , i dont know whats my intuition so how am i going to follow it ? I reply too much on him sometimes . Its his fault though . LOL . Who ask him to promise to stay by my side forever ! And thanks Qin for saying that im someone significant in your life . You're the best .